I broke my camera. I honestly feel lost not being able to use it everyday, edit and post a video. I hate missing a #SelfLoveSaturday so today I’ll be writing instead.

I’m in between apartments right now so my life feels a little more chaotic than usual, and even though I think I’m doing a pretty good job of riding the wave I can’t wait for just a bit of calm and to be settled. I think Mercury is in retrograde though so the uneasy feeling I have doesn’t surprise me. I have a mix of emotions going on that I need to settle but i’m not exactly sure how, which is why this post is going to seem like a big vent session. For the Leos:

Mercury enters Capricorn, one of the hardest working signs in the zodiac, on December 2. Mercury in earthy Capricorn will stimulate the sector of your chart that rules your day job and your responsibilities, as well as your health and habits. Expect to do a lot of talking about these issues this month! But don’t expect everything to move full speed ahead: Mercury retrograde begins on December 19.

I have a friend that I love dearly but there’s a few things that are annoying and concerning me that have come up in the last little while and truthfully my guard is up. I have a love/hate relationship with my own guard because 1. I hate the uneasy feeling & 2. It takes a while for it to go back down.

I know that my intuition is sharp and I don’t gain these feelings for no reason, but I haven’t figured out yet how to deal with the emotions & energy in a positive way. In a way that helps me to understand myself, my boundaries and my friends. In the last 5 years of my life I’ve had a few changed friendships because of this feeling but I’ve yet to come to terms with it. I still blame myself for the discomfort and loss of friendship, I question if I’m just a bitch or too sensitive. And I get frustrated that I haven’t learned how to channel and express these emotions in a clear and positive way.

I want to, I need to.

I’m ready for 2016 to be done with, it was a rocky year for me. I made a lot of upward progress in 2015 and then ’16 came and said “lets walk through this Quick Sand instead.” I fell into a depression again, I gained, lost and gained weight. I’ve struggled all year with what I’m supposed to be eating, if i’m not on a detox, then I regularly wake up with an upset stomach. Literally as I type this right now i’m in discomfort. I lost my relationship with my boyfriend (though I’m in a better place with it now) and I had a good chunk of the year where I had no clue what I was/should/need/want to do. And i’ll be honest I’m only holding on by a thread to the few confirmations that I’ve had in this later portion of the year. And that’s probably the most interesting part of it all — normally in my business as soon as Thanksgiving approaches things slow down a lot, but right now for me, its actually picked up. I’ve been filming for my production company like crazy, and its great! Its rewarding and exciting! I’m doing my best to have a different new year, a different outlook and experience and I actually think the work is going to pay off.

Like I said 2016 was not my favorite year of life but through it all I’m still optimistic for next year. I think a lot of good is going to happen so i’m anxious and ready for it to start. I’m going to try to figure out how to deal with my discomforts in a positive way that serves myself and those around me. And i’m going to continue to apply patience and faith to myself, and my years. Patience while in a struggle and faith that in the end it will all be okay.