I officially stopped drinking in late January of this year. I did it for multiple reasons, I was never much of drinker and I can barely handle more than 2 drinks of the light stuff so it felt like drinking was a waste of my time and to top it off I’ve witnessed the terrorizing effects of alcohol on people in my family and it’s turned me off to the point that I have no desire to drink anymore.
I’ve been dealing with an alcoholic in my family for nearly 7 years and I HATE it (I don’t like to use the word HATE but…) It’s been incredibly hard on myself and the other members of my family. We’ve dealt with it all, physical altercations, verbal abuse, theft, DUI’s, threatened jail time, multiple car crashes and walking on egg shells because pretty much everything causes this person to drink whether its good or bad. It hurts to have a person in your life that refuses to take help and is so trapped in their own mental state that they refuse to see anything else that life has to offer besides a bottle. Why do you feel the need to drink before a movie? A walk? Going to see your Grandma? Unfortunately the problem is bigger than you at that point, the hold is so strong that your decisions are so clouded that rational choices sound crazy to you!
My mom has been the strongest through all of this and has had to endure the most amount of pain as a result for her patience. Literally everyone has turned their back on her, told her to give up like they did and to worry about something else. But how do you give up on your family? Even if they constantly hurt you? How do you give up on someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing? A person who can’t hear themselves and unfortunately wakes up the next day and doesn’t even realize the damage that they’ve done to their family and most importantly themselves? Alcoholism and addictions is a serious disease and mental illness and the further someone gets in their addiction the more you see that their mentality is not like yours which is why they got to this place at all.
The easy answer is “send them to rehab” and yes we’ve tried but I realize going to rehab is like everything else in life, you have to want to do it, you have to want to change in order to get a change. I remember when I was 17 my best friend and I did a bunch of sessions with an amazing personal trainer, who gave us great advice and tough work outs but we literally got no results from her training because we didn’t care and we didn’t try. As soon as we were done with a workout we’d go to McDonald’s because we were hungry and figured the “workout” made up for the food we were eating. We were 17 and the concept of our metabolism slowing down was foreign to us. Crazy!
When an addict looks in the mirror if they see a superhero and not a villain it’s very difficult to convince them that they need to change and that the person they’ve become is very ugly. So this is a post to ask you guys a question, what would you do? Or what have you done if you’ve dealt with addicts in your life? How did you get them to want to change their life? I’m truly afraid that if my family member doesn’t get the right help that his life may go to a place that I don’t even want to imagine.
– Andrea “begging and pleading for a prayer” Lewis
Ive been with my boyfriend for 13 years and every year its the same. Every holiday birthday and family gathering starts with beer and ends up with putting up with a drunk who doesnt know how to call it a night. Im a mother of two a 3yr old and a 9yr old. Life isnt easy first my boyfriend says he will change but it only lasts 2 months the truth is once a drunk allways a drunk nothing or no one will change them not even for their kids. Proffessional help is out there but he wont go. Im pissed of everyday i clean i cook i do everything at home he works but he doesnt deal with everything i do plus take the kids to school doctor appoints. I allways eat my food cold or fast because i never have time for myself. And he eats lunch at work conftable and after work drinking. All the time having to put up with a drunk after work while the kids and i wait for him so we can eat dinner and he is to busy driving around drinking his crap and hiding his empty beer. People who drink are selfish they
I think you give it time and try the rehab again
I feel like I read a page out of my own life. I have an uncle who is an alcoholic. He has been an alcoholic for at least 25 years. Everybody in the family has given up on him except for my mother. And he did did not give the family a reason to come back into his life when a couple of years ago my mom paid for his trip to go to my cousins wedding and he got drunk at the wedding and made a complete fool of himself. My mom throughout the years has given him money to help pay for rent and food and other bills and he goes and spends all his money on alcohol. My dad found him a job which he got fired from. He’s been in rehab and outreach facilities that my mom has helped him get into and he does well for a short period of time and then goes back to drinking.
It’s been a constant battle. Me and my mom going to Florida to see him and help him out. My mom moving him to New York for a fresh start only for him to constantly spend all his money on alcohol, get fired from his job, end up in the hospital, and break a whole bunch of the things we gave him.
Now he lives back in Florida in an outreach facility and he’s doing well and we hope he stays that way. I think that even if alcoholics go to rehab or treatment centers and get better they should continue to always go to AA meetings weekly so that they don’t relapse and they should never ever have even 1 sip of alcohol ever again.
My advice is to try and get your family member to go to rehab, try as hard as you can even if they resist and to not give up on them. Also maybe there is a way you can talk to them to convince them to get help. Like try different ways of talking to them, maybe is a story or situation that you can talk to them about that could change their perspective on rehab and getting help. It’s hard to not give up. I sometimes wanted to, but my mom never did. I think she was afraid that if she gave up she would one day get a call saying he’s dead. One of the ways she got through him this time was about mentioning God and the bible to him a lot and talking to him about his past and how the past is in the past and the people in his past that caused him pain moved on and so should he. I’m happy she didn’t give up because he’s doing well now. Will he stay that way? We don’t know but we hope so. I guess you always have to have that little hope inside of you that this will be the time that the treatment will work forever.
Stay strong and love & *hugs* to you and your mom.
I have several family members who have either a drug or alcohol (some both) problem. I feel like I’ve delt with this my entire life. My mom sounds a lot like yours. She has the biggest heart and just won’t give up on anyone. So I really have seen it up close. I have an uncle ( just one example of many ) who has liver cancer and is terminal but still insists on drinking and drugs, knowing that each drink could result in his last breath. I personally don’t believe that you should ever give up on anyone. This addiction really is a mental/medical issue. I don’t believe that anyone would intentionally hurt someone they love but they truly have a problem. Rehab works but only if they are ready. No one can be forced into anything they don’t want to do. Sadly, most times it takes hitting rock bottom and for everyone it’s something different. I am a strong believer in Christ and for me God is where I turn for comfort. Prayer works and that is all you can do for that person until they are ready.
Thanks for your story. Sadly all these stories sound the same for every addict and the family members who have to deal with them. My mom and I have tried every bit of talking that you can imagine and some days it seems like its working but its usually very temporary and then it turns into anger and resentment and now my mom and I have become “the problem” in his eyes. I wish there was a quick fix pill or something. I completely agree that once they do commit to rehab that weekly meetings and check ups are very necessary as well as staying away from alcohol at all costs. You never notice how many places you have to avoid with alcohol until you’re dealing with an addict, it’s crazy. I won’t give up though but I do get very tired.
Thanks for your story Caffie. Prayer often not only helps the addict in some way or another but it can really help you too. My mom has gotten very involved in the church to ease her own worries and it helps her a lot. I know nothing lasts forever and God has his own plan for every person so all you can do is pray and let God work it out the way he’s supposed to.
Hey Andrea,
I know what you are going through. I am still praying and believing God for a miracle to save our family member. You and Mom are not alone, I’m still here.
Thanks Judith, you’ve been a great part of our family all these years! Thank you xo